Love Addiction Test
Love Addiction 1
Have you ever thought “why do I often screw up in romantic relationships? “ and “Why do I date with a similar type of partners?”” “Why do I depend on my partner?” “Why can’t I get away from relationships?
Here, you may find answers for these questions.
I am going to share here
1 – Love Addiction test (24 questions)
2 – 4 types of 4 types of dependence in romantic relationships.
3 – Phases of romantic relationships. How PEA (Phenylethylamine) affects relationships.
4 – 3 patterns after the honeymoon.
5 – Unrealistic illusion
6 – Why do you tend to find bad partners?
7 – Steps to move forward
24 questions to find out if you have tendency of love addiction
1 – You believe you cannot do anything without your partner.
2 – You have even thought that you cannot live without your partner.
3 – You have dated with others who you don’t love due to loneliness.
4 – You have even thought that you can change your partner.
5 – Many of your friends told you to break up with your partner. However, you cannot do it.
6 – You have threatened someone you love or have done something extreme if your partner does not love you.
7 – You have avoided talking about your partner with your friends after they told you that your partner does not look good looking.
8 – You only feel loved when you are having sex.
9 – You feel attracted to your partners when you are chasing them. However, you don’t feel attracted to chase your partners.
10 – You tend to fall in love with partners very easily. However, you lose interest in them easily as well.
11 – You feel worthless if nobody loves you.
12 – You have had fights over whether to break up or not for longer than 3 months.
13 – You make a full commitment to your partners. However, you feel they don’t love you enough.
14 – You believe that you will find an ideal partner who will make your life fantastic.
15 – When you fall in love with your partners, you prioritize romantic relationships.
16 – Everything will go well in romantic relationships if you put up with all the trouble in them.
17 – As romantic relationships become deeper and you love your partners even more, your resentment increases as well.
18 – After you fight against your partners, you tend to have sex to make up for the relationships.
19 – You feel worthy when others need you.
20 – After having sex with your partners, you feel guilty.
21 – You believe you have a lot of shortcomings; you can forget about it when you are with your partners.
22 – After you finish having sex, you feel disturbed being with your partners.
23 – Your relationships have never lasted longer than 3 months.
24 – You have thought “Why do I always struggle in relationships?”
How many of them apply to you?
– If you get 0 to 2 items, you are healthy
– If you get 3 to 4, you are moderately codependent.
– If you get more than 5, you are very codependent.
Types of dependence in romantic relationships.
There are 4 types of 4 types of dependence in romantic relationships.
1 – Codependence – tendency to depend extremely on your partner.
2 –Avoidance – tendency to keep distance from partners.
3 – Romance – tendency to wait for ideal partners.
4 – sex addiction – tendency to seek for sex and depend on sex.
Unfortunately,
Many people tend to have a pattern of 1) codependence or 2) avoidance. I am focusing more on these 2 patterns here.
When you feel uncomfortable feeling happy in relationship, you leave your partner in relationship. You believe “Oh, nobody loves me,” It is a type of avoidance.
1 – Codependence.
For example, if your partner depends financially on you. You work very hard to earn money and you support your partner financially.
Why do you support your partner financially? Your partner does not earn money at all.
The reason is simple.
If you are codependent, you probably have low self-esteem. You believe that if your partner starts to become financially independent or to improve their life situation, you feel so fearful that your partner may leave you. In this case, your partner needs you to depend financially on you.
2 – Avoidance – if you are avoidant, you may have fear of being abandoned. Sadly, you may leave your partner before you are abandoned.
Interestingly,
Codependent people tend to be in relationship with avoidant people.
If you are codependent, why do you stick to your ex-partner who is avoidant? Your ex-partner may contact you back after a while he broke up with you. Since you are codependent and feel good to be dependent on, you get trapped into on and off relationship loop.
People with avoidance still need their partners. However, since they have fear, they look for easy relationships.
3 – Romance – tendency to wait for ideal partners.
They tend to look for ideal partners so that they end up not having any relationships. “I want my partner to learn “$20000 per month, have a tesla, and own several houses.” If you hear that, you may just lose motivation to get this person.
4 – sex addiction – tendency to seek for sex and depend on sex.
Psychologically, females tend not to have sex addiction whereas males tend to become sex addiction.
Phases of romantic relationship.
1 – Honeymoon stage
When you start dating your partner, the first phase is called Honeymoon phase. During this period, one of the hormone called PEA that stands for Phenylethylamine which is the second neurotransmitter involved in passionate love. When PEA is produced, you cannot stop loving your partner. You want to see your partner as often as you want.
After the honeymoon phase is over, What happens?
There are 3 patterns after the honeymoon.
1 – break-up. The relationship is over.
2 – You kind of don’t like your partner. But the relationship continues somehow. It’s sexless (once a month). You may still continue dating with your partner
3 – Your relationship with your partner moves onto a new phase even after you may have less romantic and sexual desire for your partner. It turns into a type of familial love in which you feel comfortable with your partner and both of you accept each other. You feel you can be yourself. It will develop a long term relationship.
While PEA is produced, you and your partner love each other with passion. They have a lot of sex. The relationship goes well regardless of any tendencies of codependence.
However, when PEA runs out, problems in relationships start to happen.
Most of love addiction occur when the relationship is dragging on. They still hang out without attaining any peace in the relationship. However, they don’t want to break up.
In DV situations, females cannot leave their partners because they believe they feel needed by their partners. These partners are avoidant and tend to cause DV. But they still stick together. It is codependent.
When codependent people are told by others that you should break up, or you should leave your partner, they may say to others that they feel their partners are pitiful even though their partners do DV on them and they believe “nobody but me understands my partner, “Poor him,” and “my partner needs me.” She wants to believe that he needs me. It is self-satisfaction, self-approval, and distorted perception of self. She believes he needs me.
Women who can work hard tend to become like this.
They cannot stop doing it even though they know something is wrong.
Unrealistic illusion
When DV happens to you, you still believe and expect that he will change, and he will be gentle to me as he did before. It is one of the characteristics of codependence. Independent women who have built their career in 30s tend to have this characteristic. When he verbally abused you, you believe he scolded me for the sake of me.
Women whose partners cheated on them have characteristics of believing that he will love me more after he cheated on her and came back to her.
When he lied to me, you believe that he lied to me because he didn’t want to hurt me . When you didn’t feel loved by him, you believe it’s because he didn’t know how to love me. When he lost his job, you believe that you lost his job because his supervisor didn’t understand his talent?
Pattern of your romantic relationship
1- What types of partners you tend to love
2- In what occasion or circumstance do you start to date. How did you start to date
3- How do you date your partner?
4- How do you break up ?
If you get dumped often, you get dumped often.
If you love your partner addictively, you love your partner addictively.
There are common patterns in relationships based on the past and present partners.
Recognize your patterns first in order to get out of love addiction.
You can change where you find partners, change occasions,
You tend to be physically close to your partner a lot, you create some distance from your new partner,
If you keep distance from your partner, you try to be physically closer to your new partner.
Do not find a new partner based on the impression of your ex-partner at the very end of the relationship. It will create the same pattern. You may find a new partner based on the final impression of your ex-partner right before the break up with ex.
Do your best to understand your value of romance objectively.
Why do you tend to find bad partners?
Codependent people cannot get married because they date with avoidant people. They repeat the same patterns because they want to feel secure. Their brain knows that they can anticipate patterns of avoidance.
If you try to date with different people. you may feel a bit insecure. But you can build confidence in new relationships.
Childhood abuse contributes to making you date with people who cause DV because you know what to expect in relationships. You start to feel uneasy if you hang out with nicer people.
Steps to move forward
1 – Do not blame yourself if you fail to get out of love addiction
2 – Realize you have a love addiction is the first step.
3 – Change yourself and take actions to change. If both you and your partner try to change themselves, it is even better.
4 – Enhance your self esteem and gain emotional independence so that you don’t have to rely fully on your partner emotionally. You may need to even work on your childhood trauma.
Other information
Cross addiction – different addiction occurs at the same time.
Workaholic women tend to be hooked by men who have avoidant codependence,
It is dangerous to have love addiction with pain.
* Heartbroken syndrome means breakup increases risk of heart ailment due to break-up. If you find meaning in a relationship even after the break up, it will reduce the risk.
* Estrogen, hormone in female, is produced via romantic relationships which makes your skin better and younger and keeps your body proportion.
Love is like drugs, psychologically speaking.
68 percent of romantic relationships start in summer.
Love Addiction 2
Have you ever been trapped in codependent relationships?
Why can’t you get away from these relationships?
There are
1 – 5 characteristics of codependence in you
2 – Phase of codependence
3 – Distorted view of codependence.
4 – 4 types of codependences in relationships.
4 – 1. domination (submission or obedience)
4 – 2. exploitation (advantage and disadvantage).
4 – 2 – 1. Emotional Blackmail
4 – 3. narcissism (belonging).
4 – 4. runaway (distance).
5 – How can you get away from these people?
1. 5 characteristics of codependence in you.
1 – strong desire that you want your partners to need you.
2 – strong desire that you help you partners
3 – strong desire that you are obsessed with your partners (they do not want to leave them alone).
4 – tendency that you sacrifice yourself for you partners.
5 – distorted perception that you interpret your partners’ negative behaviors positively.
2. Phase of codependence
1 – In honeymoon phase, you love your partners more than anything.
2 – When you find your partners and start to date your partners, you feel saved instead of happy.
3 – You want your partners to need you more. You start to feel unsatisfied by their insufficient responses to you, especially if their relationship pattern is avoidance.
4 – You start to cut off other relationships and your friends.
5 – You start to have distorted view. For example, you are a female and your partner is a male. If you see your partner talking to another girl, she is trying to take him!! You believe you will kill him!
6 – After a while, somehow break-up happens because your partners cannot handle you anymore due to your unrealistic demand on them. You impose your feeling on them, saying “I love you this much. Why don’t you love me back?”
7 – after the break-up, you will find another partner and continue having the same pattern.
3. Distorted view of codependence.
1 – Since you subconsciously believe that your romantic relationships do not last long, you tend to date with partners who depend on you and who cannot live without your financial support. When your partners are becoming successful in their career, you thwart their plan to be successful because you believe that they will damp you and then they find someone else. You may tell them “you shouldn’t take this job offer. It’s not good for you.” Or “ this promotion is not good for you because it will stress you out.”
2 – You believe that you should not become happy in relationships. You cannot bear with happiness. You believe that happiness goes away. After you find partners and you feel happy, you run away from the happiness with your partners. When you are about to get married with your partners, you may run away from them right before the wedding ceremony.
4. 4 types of codependences in relationships.
4 – 1. domination (submission or obedience)
4 – 2. exploitation (advantage and disadvantage).
4 – 3. narcissism (belonging).
4 – 4. runaway (distance).
4 – 1. Domination.
You will become subject to dominators in relationships.
Dominators tend to control you, threaten to you, order you, become violent to you, check your emails, believe they are always right, ruin your pride, discourage you to begin something new or curious, and to force you to ask for permission with them when you hang out with your friends. If you follow the ways they control you, they are gentle with and nice to you. However, when you don’t, they snap at you and get angry at you suddenly. If you are a female, and your father is a dominator as you see here, you tend to be trapped by a dominator in romantic relationships.
4 – 2. Exploitation.
Exploiters treat you in relationships based on advantage and disadvantage (gain and loss)
Exploiters are takers. They make you feel guilt and take you money or ability from them. They become extremely gentle with you when they want to have sex with you or money from you. They are not gentle with you usually unless they want something from you. They continue begging you as if they were cats until they get what they want. You feel trapped to stick to them due to their random gentle behaviors to you as you see jackpot in gamble. They act like children and depend financially on you. They threaten psychologically to you which is called an emotional blackmail.
4 – 2 – 1. Emotional Blackmail
Emotional Blackmail is a threat to manipulate you emotionally. For example, you may know your partners’ exploitative patterns. When they ask for money with you, you tell them “You are going to spend money on gambling or alcohol. Then, they respond to you “You don’t want to give me any money? You love me, don’t you? Are you telling me it’s ok to die if I have no money to buy food?
However, if you are codependent, you believe they need me and they rely on me.
4 – 3. Narcissism.
Narcists treat you as belonging.
Narcists love themselves. They are very self-centered and act childishly. They talk a lot about themselves. They believe they are great even without having any money or skills. Even though they don’t have money or skills, they believe they are great.
They act extremely, being very cold to you but being very nice to you. They don’t feel anything when they hurt you emotionally or when others feel hurt. On the contrary, they tend to be hurt emotionally and isolate themselves when they feel when they feel hurt or embarrassed.
They push their ideal on others. Why don’t you follow my ideal? When others are doing something that they dislike, they feel very disturbed. They tell you your new clothes don’t suit you.
4 – 4. Runaway.
People who tend to have run-away from in relationships, they keep emotional distance from you.
They don’t like to make full commitment for relationships. They want to be free from relational restriction. Their relationships don’t last long (3 months). When you request something to them, they tell you back “you are too needy. You are selfish.” They don’t like anything to get relationships deeper. They avoid talking deeply about themselves and they are very secretive. They change topics to avoid talking about them at a deeper level when you are sharing a serious topic with them. They may break up with you suddenly when you feel closer to them in the relationship.
5. How can you get away from these people?
1 – be aware of being trapped in any of these patterns.
2 – reflect on reasons that you tend to be trapped in these patterns.
3 – reflect on whether you need to change, or they need change? You need to change yourself because you cannot them.
4 – ask yourself if you want to continue painful romantic relationships or if you want to feel happy in relationships?
If you want to feel happy in relationships, you may want to take actions to change yourself
5 – before you date with new partners, set your own rules. For example, if your partners cheat on me twice, you break up.
6 – no sympathy on your partners who meet
Science of romantic relationship
How do you know if this person will love me or not?
If you have some feeling that this person may love me, this feeling does not exist.
Reality and ideal are different.
Most people end up dating with partners who are not ideal.
Based on research in UK with 3600 subjects, women ideally hope to choose men who are taller, have more money whereas men hope to choose women who do not smoke, and have better jobs.
98 percent of people date with their partners who are not their deal. The key is to make compromise with the gap between reality and ideal.
How can you find these ideal partner you hope to get?
It is very difficult to achieve it.
The key is to make compromise
This means you can find partners based on what choices you have.
It depends on comparative choices in a certain setting. There is no destiny.
In other words, Say, you are in a group. If you are standing out in the group in regard to looking, financial status, and social status, you may become more attractive than others in the group who are less handsome, or less financially stable than you.
However, in short term romantic relationships, your potential partners may choose you regardless of their high expectation or their idea of the ideal partner. Their idea of the ideal partner may not matter. This means you don’t have to be discouraged to ask out someone you feel attracted to even if they tell you that their idea of the ideal partner is very high.
In long term romantic relationships, you and your partner start to project their ideas of the ideal partner on each other as their relationship lasts longer. You may start to know the gap between your idea of the ideal partner and who your partner actually is.
Initially, you can rely on your intuition to find partners. Then, check if your partners are suitable for your ideal images.
Long term relationships may not work due to the gap between reality and their idea of the ideal partner. It should be like this.
To find a long-term partner successfully, you may want to clarify your idea of the ideal partner and check if there is gap between your ideal images of partnership and who your partner is.
Research conducted by Cal state shows that ideas of the ideal partner such as looking, social status, financial status did not matter if it is a long-term relationship.
Method of Cal state.
1 – clarify your ideas of ideal partner and expectation.
2 – clarify what portions make you feel attracted to your partner. Is it the partner’s physical components such as looking, short hair, long hair, long legs, short height? Is it personality, or character? Is it social status and/or financial status?
3 – Initially you may choose a partner intuitively. As you hang out with your partner, then ask your partner his or her ideas of the ideal partner vice and versa. After that, you reconcile your ideals with the reality and so do your partner.
It is rare to attain romantic relationships after falling in love at first sight. Interestingly, most romantic relationships are developed via friendships.
In short term relationship (shorter than 3 months), looking is more important.
For 3 months, you maintain friendship with someone you feel attracted with and get to know more about this person while continuing showing kindness, and intimacy. After that, you figure out this person loves you or not.
In long term relationships, personality, characters, kindness, intimacy are more important.
As premise, human beings depend on conditions. It is more probable to become a couple if you and your potential partner are physically. As you are 6 meters further than your potential partner, it becomes less probable to become a couple. The level of intimacy becomes lower as the distance between you and another person becomes every 6 meters further. If your potential partner lives right next to you or lives within 16 blocks, it is more likely to become a coupe with this person. The physically closer it becomes to a potential partner, the more intimacy you can build with this person.
Here are important factors to make relationship more successful.
1 – proximity. Physical distance is closer
2 – Increase the number of contacts with a person you feel attracted with naturally. Text messages is ok as well.
The more often you see a person you feel attracted with, the more intimate you feel with the person vice versa.
3 – people start to love others who have done something good to them.
if someone else shows a subject that you like this subject, this subject tends to feel more comfortable. Give and take.
4 – bring an obstacle to overcome with another person or share a common secret with the person. If you have common secret with another person, you start to like this person and vice versa. If you consult with someone about problems, you may like this person and vice versa.
5 – commonality (Common interest). It could be the same hobby, career, school, and age. It could be the similar level of looking and laughing at the similar joke.
Most people believe they start to like someone based on a face, butt, and intelligence.
Use Uncertainty.
Say, you like person A (female). If you tell her you love her or you don’t love her, she may feel less attracted to you. However, if you show uncertain behaviors to her, she feels more attracted to you. Your uncertain behaviors make her more attracted to you than certain ones.
Interestingly, this is more applicable to males. If you get a message that she loves you or she hates, you as a male tends to be less attracted to her. However, if she shows uncertain messages about you, and you are not certain if she seems to love you or if she does not seem to love you, you may feel more attracted with her.
In other words, if you feel attracted to someone, you show some behaviors you like her sometimes but you show other behaviors you don’t care about her. This uncertainty will make her more attracted to you.
If you tell a potential person you love this person, its not good. One of the conditions is uncertainty. Oh this person may like you. Then you feel more motivated. Don’t tell the person you love this person yet. Uncertainty makes you more attractive. It is like a cat behavior.
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